my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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