Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
