last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
