i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
