I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
