There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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