I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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