It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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