I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I would ride that face into the sunset
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