I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
