it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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