his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
