Yo dont text me then not text me
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
