FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She even gives head with a lisp.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
