Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
