I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
