She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
