She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's shark week go big or go home
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
