You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Welp...herpes.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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