and she was petting her beer can
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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