He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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