Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
