If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
