i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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