Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
