smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
