Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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