Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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