There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
