I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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