I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
