last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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