I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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