Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
