I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
