if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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