I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
