you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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