I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
