I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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