I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Randomize
