Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
