My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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