I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Randomize
