my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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