My hand turned me down
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
