At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
