I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
