he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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