I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
