they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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