just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
