I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
