just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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