last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i dont even know how to be here
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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